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I may be in hell...
After a weekend of suffering from a cold, most likely contracted from my boss, and suffering enough to not go into work today, C has had me watching god-awful films because, in her words, it'll take our minds off it.
So, here below the cut, are choice words about the first of the films.
Arthur
*The Northern invaders are called “Woads”*
A – Woads? Are they the straight ones?
C – With that much body paint?!
* * *
A - So, we've Ioan Gruffydd, and the bloke who played Styles, Kiera Knightley and Stellen Skarlsgaard – this is like a reunion of the sea films* we've been watching, except not at sea.
C – or all at sea, which is an accurate description of the plot.
* Our first efforts over the weekend were to watch the entire Hornblower and the three Pirates of the Carribean films. We've run out of the good stuff, obviously.
* * *
*Arthur and his knights are sent north of the 'wall'*
C – hang on, this is Hadrian's Wall they're talking about – which pretty much marked the limit of the Roman Empire at the time. What's a Roman family doing the other side of it?
A - Surrounded by Saxons, don't forget.
C - If they invade from any further North, they'll be coming from the Orkneys.
* * *
Merlin – speaks gibberish.
A – What are they speaking?
C – Klingon, I think.
* * *
Lancelot – Rain and snow together, that's a bad omen.
C – You've been living in this country for fifteen years and you've not twigged that it means “Spring”?
* * *
*The Final Battle*
C – You have now entered a battlefield. To the North of you are bodies, to the East of you are bodies. To the South of you are bodies. What do you want to do now?
A – Run?
* * *
*The native British trebuchets* are let loose*
A - Great Balls of Fire!
C – more like “the chances of anything coming from Mars”...
* Yes, we know.
* * *
*Lancelot is stuck a fatal blow*
A – I thought Lancelot survived Arthur in the legends.
C – It's on a par with “Orestes and Clytemestra send their thanks”*. Oh, and Tristan, I think. That gives Isult less to sing about.
* A history_sporking of Troy reference
* * *
*Lancelot rises from the grave to put a sword through Cynric's neck*
A – It's the revenge of Zombie Lancelot. Also, if this is supposed to be the climax of the film, I'm counting cracks on the ceiling.
C – I was rather thinking in that kind of imagery too.
* * *
*Pan of Lancelot lying dead*
A – Don't worry. It's only a flesh wound.
C – There's a severe temptation to use imagery from Monty Python and the Holy Grail in this film.
* * *
*Horses at the end, rather florid voiceover*
C – and in years to come, they would become highly recognisible symbols of Lloyds Bank.
* * *
We were also drinking every time "free men" or "freedom" was spoken. We're now both rather pissed.
Next up, if I'm still sober enough to type, is the madness that is Sparta. Wish me luck. Or a quick death. Or something.
So, here below the cut, are choice words about the first of the films.
Arthur
*The Northern invaders are called “Woads”*
A – Woads? Are they the straight ones?
C – With that much body paint?!
* * *
A - So, we've Ioan Gruffydd, and the bloke who played Styles, Kiera Knightley and Stellen Skarlsgaard – this is like a reunion of the sea films* we've been watching, except not at sea.
C – or all at sea, which is an accurate description of the plot.
* Our first efforts over the weekend were to watch the entire Hornblower and the three Pirates of the Carribean films. We've run out of the good stuff, obviously.
* * *
*Arthur and his knights are sent north of the 'wall'*
C – hang on, this is Hadrian's Wall they're talking about – which pretty much marked the limit of the Roman Empire at the time. What's a Roman family doing the other side of it?
A - Surrounded by Saxons, don't forget.
C - If they invade from any further North, they'll be coming from the Orkneys.
* * *
Merlin – speaks gibberish.
A – What are they speaking?
C – Klingon, I think.
* * *
Lancelot – Rain and snow together, that's a bad omen.
C – You've been living in this country for fifteen years and you've not twigged that it means “Spring”?
* * *
*The Final Battle*
C – You have now entered a battlefield. To the North of you are bodies, to the East of you are bodies. To the South of you are bodies. What do you want to do now?
A – Run?
* * *
*The native British trebuchets* are let loose*
A - Great Balls of Fire!
C – more like “the chances of anything coming from Mars”...
* Yes, we know.
* * *
*Lancelot is stuck a fatal blow*
A – I thought Lancelot survived Arthur in the legends.
C – It's on a par with “Orestes and Clytemestra send their thanks”*. Oh, and Tristan, I think. That gives Isult less to sing about.
* A history_sporking of Troy reference
* * *
*Lancelot rises from the grave to put a sword through Cynric's neck*
A – It's the revenge of Zombie Lancelot. Also, if this is supposed to be the climax of the film, I'm counting cracks on the ceiling.
C – I was rather thinking in that kind of imagery too.
* * *
*Pan of Lancelot lying dead*
A – Don't worry. It's only a flesh wound.
C – There's a severe temptation to use imagery from Monty Python and the Holy Grail in this film.
* * *
*Horses at the end, rather florid voiceover*
C – and in years to come, they would become highly recognisible symbols of Lloyds Bank.
* * *
We were also drinking every time "free men" or "freedom" was spoken. We're now both rather pissed.
Next up, if I'm still sober enough to type, is the madness that is Sparta. Wish me luck. Or a quick death. Or something.