That Twilight Conversation
Dec. 3rd, 2009 06:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
m31andyBecause I know that you're all desperate to find out exactly what Fi and I were talking about when I mentioned she'd been trying to plot bunny me, the entire car crash is below the cut.
(Note, there are some spoilers. Explicitly for book 3.)
So far:
Fi: I haven't actually read [Twilight Book 1] yet. Currently I'm on three, where she's snuggling up to a werewolf to stop freezing to death while Sparkly sulks because he doesn't have a high enough body temperature to save his life. Oh, and of course, he's reading the werewolf's mind and Is Not Happy.
Andy: Dear Lord. A 100 year old emo vampire. It's like Robert Smith, but with less charisma.
Fi: Don't diss Robert Smith! Although that does explain a lot about Robert Pattinson's hair. If he starts showing up in baggy cardigans, go out and buy him some (pre-chipped) black nail varnish and some eyeliner.
Andy: I'm not dissing the Smith! Just being honest!!! ... Actually, I could totally get behind that look! (Beige cardigans, yes?)
Fi: *curls up in ball and whimpers* How much would it upset the world if we wrote "Edward goes off and becomes a rent boy while pining for Bella"? I mean, they've got to get their money from somewhere...
Andy: Oh, I think it would be *brilliant*.... We could have a whole series of them - every time Edward does a "Oh Noes", it could instead be "Oh, Hos"!!!
Fi: All written from Edward's point of view, which would be a combination of prissy Victorian "drawing a veil over it" and bad 70s bodiceripper language with mighty swords ploughing his furrow, etc...
Andy: Inappropriately - so we'd be drawing a veil over the tame bits and over-explicit about the dodgy bits. It's almost obvious that he's going to be one of those heavy shit bottoms, yes? So, on the basis of what I've heard, the whips and chains will be drawn in loving detail - but the cuddling afterwards will be glossed.
Fi: *splorfles* Of course. While loathing himself all the way through it.
I AM NOT WRITING TWILIGHT FANFIC.
Note: Edward claims he's a virgin in book 3. Well, obviously, only one orifice counts for virginity... *g*
Andy: Of course, he could just mean "I've never had sex with a woman (But I take big cock every night...)" - which, incidentally, is, I think, the title of the next Frankie Goes to Hollywood single.
Fi: Well, it's rather hard to explain to the whiny teenage girl that you have this complex self-loathing thing going on whereby you really really like cock but hate yourself for it but irregardless, how on earth did you think a high-school boy could afford a Porsche for his sister otherwise? And then it turns out that *Lassie* doesn't think that gay sex counts either and Bella's wondering why she's left babysitting so often...
Andy: Hang on, are you trying to write Jacob/Edward (aka JakEd)? Because, you know, I'm not sure the fangirls are going to go for that. Unless, of course, you have Jake fursploding whilst ploughing Ed's furrow. In glorious technocolour...
Fi: Well, let's face it; it'll probably confuse the hell out of everyone. Or are people writing it already? I mean, if Lassie and the 101 Dalmatians aren't already having orgies in the woods...
Andy: I honestly don't know what fan-fic there is (apart from the one Twilight/LoTR cross-over that deleterius sporked a few months ago. oh, and the one where Buffy pwned Ed's ass.) But I wouldn't be surprised - slash seems to pervade all fandoms now. *happy sigh*
So, the question is: which do you fancy better - Ed the sparkly rentboy or Jake/Ed S&M/beastiality/doggy style fic???
Fi: Can't we have both? Let's stick with rentboy. And then Jake can discover his secret and start booking him!
Andy: Okay, okay. Sort of like the Sam/Ray blowjob, right? I can go with that. I'd be rather interested to see what the rest of the clan makes of it all as well. Well, it's obvious therefore that Esme and Carlisle are making him "work" for a living, rather than giving him pocket money.
Fi: Oh, Alice is totally his pimp.
Andy: *definitely* And I suppose Rosalie is all "No wonder he didn't like me!" Bella is all bewildered as she's not a clue what's going on. And it's got to be a shock to her when she finally finds out. Not only is her husband a vampire, but he's a vampire whore. Do you think she tries to persuade him out of it by promising to tie him down and get the strap-on out???
Fi: That would involve a certain amount of proactive behaviour from her.
Andy: K. How about promising to tie him down and call on Charlie?
Fi: Charlie would just shrug and go off to watch the football with Emmet.
Andy: *sigh* You're right. Honestly, with a family like that, no wonder Ed whores himself out. He'd never get any at all otherwise.
(Note, there are some spoilers. Explicitly for book 3.)
So far:
Fi: I haven't actually read [Twilight Book 1] yet. Currently I'm on three, where she's snuggling up to a werewolf to stop freezing to death while Sparkly sulks because he doesn't have a high enough body temperature to save his life. Oh, and of course, he's reading the werewolf's mind and Is Not Happy.
Andy: Dear Lord. A 100 year old emo vampire. It's like Robert Smith, but with less charisma.
Fi: Don't diss Robert Smith! Although that does explain a lot about Robert Pattinson's hair. If he starts showing up in baggy cardigans, go out and buy him some (pre-chipped) black nail varnish and some eyeliner.
Andy: I'm not dissing the Smith! Just being honest!!! ... Actually, I could totally get behind that look! (Beige cardigans, yes?)
Fi: *curls up in ball and whimpers* How much would it upset the world if we wrote "Edward goes off and becomes a rent boy while pining for Bella"? I mean, they've got to get their money from somewhere...
Andy: Oh, I think it would be *brilliant*.... We could have a whole series of them - every time Edward does a "Oh Noes", it could instead be "Oh, Hos"!!!
Fi: All written from Edward's point of view, which would be a combination of prissy Victorian "drawing a veil over it" and bad 70s bodiceripper language with mighty swords ploughing his furrow, etc...
Andy: Inappropriately - so we'd be drawing a veil over the tame bits and over-explicit about the dodgy bits. It's almost obvious that he's going to be one of those heavy shit bottoms, yes? So, on the basis of what I've heard, the whips and chains will be drawn in loving detail - but the cuddling afterwards will be glossed.
Fi: *splorfles* Of course. While loathing himself all the way through it.
I AM NOT WRITING TWILIGHT FANFIC.
Note: Edward claims he's a virgin in book 3. Well, obviously, only one orifice counts for virginity... *g*
Andy: Of course, he could just mean "I've never had sex with a woman (But I take big cock every night...)" - which, incidentally, is, I think, the title of the next Frankie Goes to Hollywood single.
Fi: Well, it's rather hard to explain to the whiny teenage girl that you have this complex self-loathing thing going on whereby you really really like cock but hate yourself for it but irregardless, how on earth did you think a high-school boy could afford a Porsche for his sister otherwise? And then it turns out that *Lassie* doesn't think that gay sex counts either and Bella's wondering why she's left babysitting so often...
Andy: Hang on, are you trying to write Jacob/Edward (aka JakEd)? Because, you know, I'm not sure the fangirls are going to go for that. Unless, of course, you have Jake fursploding whilst ploughing Ed's furrow. In glorious technocolour...
Fi: Well, let's face it; it'll probably confuse the hell out of everyone. Or are people writing it already? I mean, if Lassie and the 101 Dalmatians aren't already having orgies in the woods...
Andy: I honestly don't know what fan-fic there is (apart from the one Twilight/LoTR cross-over that deleterius sporked a few months ago. oh, and the one where Buffy pwned Ed's ass.) But I wouldn't be surprised - slash seems to pervade all fandoms now. *happy sigh*
So, the question is: which do you fancy better - Ed the sparkly rentboy or Jake/Ed S&M/beastiality/doggy style fic???
Fi: Can't we have both? Let's stick with rentboy. And then Jake can discover his secret and start booking him!
Andy: Okay, okay. Sort of like the Sam/Ray blowjob, right? I can go with that. I'd be rather interested to see what the rest of the clan makes of it all as well. Well, it's obvious therefore that Esme and Carlisle are making him "work" for a living, rather than giving him pocket money.
Fi: Oh, Alice is totally his pimp.
Andy: *definitely* And I suppose Rosalie is all "No wonder he didn't like me!" Bella is all bewildered as she's not a clue what's going on. And it's got to be a shock to her when she finally finds out. Not only is her husband a vampire, but he's a vampire whore. Do you think she tries to persuade him out of it by promising to tie him down and get the strap-on out???
Fi: That would involve a certain amount of proactive behaviour from her.
Andy: K. How about promising to tie him down and call on Charlie?
Fi: Charlie would just shrug and go off to watch the football with Emmet.
Andy: *sigh* You're right. Honestly, with a family like that, no wonder Ed whores himself out. He'd never get any at all otherwise.
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That Twilight Conversation
Date: 2009-12-04 06:35 am (UTC)So you could end up with a pearl AND diamond necklace...