m31andy: (Evil Andy)
[personal profile] m31andy
(stolen from [livejournal.com profile] icedmaple) - another "randomise your ipod and answer these questions" meme. In this case you are naming the songs playing when you do various things during your zombie apocalypse film.

Instead of just listing the songs, I thought I'd get creative and actually describe those scenes in full. This means that you don't need to know the song picked to enjoy the result (although, I suspect a working knowledge of Pink Floyd, Queen and Mika is needed to survive any zombie apocalypse.)

1. The song which plays during: Opening Credits
Velvet Green, Jethro Tull

Velvet Green is obviously the name of the film and is named after the central character, viz. me. Velvet, daughter of hippies and affianced to a rather boring (but successful) accountant and runs the flower shop on the corner of a random suburb of London.1 Velvet lives in a ground floor flat with two cats, said fiancé and Brian, gay ex-College roommate, and cheese juggler.

2. The song which plays when: You Kill Your First Zombie
On The Turning Away, Pink Floyd

It's an accident, you see. Velvet is used to the glassy, staring eyes of an accountant who suddenly realises he's forgotten to carry the one, so doesn't realise that the man she's just served in the flower shop is, actually, a zombie and wants to eat her brains. She turns away not seeing the zombie reach for her and, fortunately, trips over a dahlia, upsetting a whole display of venus flytraps and calla lillies. The glass shelves shatters, sending deadly shards across the floor of the small flower shop, grazing Velvet's right cheek and neatly beheading the zombie. In a rather classic moment, the head of the, now-deceased, zombie, flys though the plate glass window, straight into the lap of a man drinking a lazy afternoon latte on the pavement outside Starbucks.

3. The song which plays when: You Are Being Chased By A Horde
Short Tales From the Windowpane, Trans-Mission

This sequence in the film is from viewpoint of Arnold, the guy who lives upstairs. He has a few unsavoury habits and is creepily looking out of his attic window with his powerful binoculars, obviously bird-spotting. What he actually spots is myself and the flatmates, exit the scene, pursued by bears zombies zombie bears!!!

Arnold himself is then ripped limb from limb by a small cabal of Brownies in a moving slo-mo sequence of vengence and Daily Mail headlines.

4. The song which plays when: You Have To Kill Your Loved One
Rain, Mika

Because, you know, I hate days like when you wake up next to a zombie and have to neutralise it using only things in the immediate vicinity, viz: a cricket bat, a half-drunk jug of tequila and orange juice, a can of hairspray, a lighter (making a crude but effective flamethrower), a large pile of Accountancy Age backcopies, David Lynch's entire back catalogue onVHS, a small garden gnome that goes by the name of Keith and, finally, a coal shovel.

You know you can find the *strangest* objects in your local library.

5. The song which plays when: You Find A Group Of Survivors
Manhatten Skyline, A-Ha

Brian and Velvet make it to the coast, where they pack up a small boat and set out to find Ireland, in the hope of meeting non-Zombiefied humans there. (Or, at least, zombiefied leprechauns, for a bit of variety.) Unfortunately while Brian is an expert cheese juggler, neither of our heroes is any good at sea navigation and finally find themselves sailing up the Hudson River.

Luckily, due to the fact the Producer is American and put his foot down, they have found the Land of the Free from Zombies and are able to stay for a while, starring in a cut-price version of Will and Grace (cut price because they are in quarantine for the entire time, but it helps pay the bills.)

6. The song which plays when: You Meet A New Love Interest
Musclebound, Spandau Ballet

Velvet and Brian, pronounced free of the zombie curse paralysing the UK (and causing Yorkshire Tea import prices to sky rocket), finally are let free on a temporary visa2.They immediately decide to celebrate by going to the nearest bar and getting drunk, where Velvet runs into the most handsome (and ripped) man she has ever met. Unfortunately, it turns out he prefers Brian and Velvet is left on her own, whilst Brian and Lucas skip off to Canada to get married.

7. The song which plays when: You Make A Final Stand
My Life Has Been Saved, Queen

Betrayed, bereft and bewildered, Velvet makes her way back to London, content now only to die on home soil. Her only solace, to take as many of the zombie scum as possible. She rigs together a wooden sailing barge with as much fire power as possible - flame throwers, explosive devices and matches - and sails it up the Thames. Her last stand against the forces of darkness.

Thankfully, during the weeks of quarantine in America, England has managed to push back the zombie attack, confining the disease to Kent and parts of Sussex, as the real reason why Britain is still a monarchy is revealed. Velvet's arrival up the Thames with Nemesis (her sailing barge) however, takes out a small band of zombies intent on attacking the Queen as she finalises the zombie containment in what was previously England's Garden3, thus single-handedly saving Britain from the Zombie scourge and earning the undying4 gratitude of a grateful Queen and British public.

This is, in no way, unrealistic.

8. The song which plays when: You Think You've Survived It All
We're Not Deep, Housemartins

Brian, and Lucas, return to Britain now that the zombies are contained. The three settle down to a life of bucolic bliss in Streatham (for some reason, the main change to London is that it's suddenly gone very green...)

9. The song which plays when: You Discover A Bite Mark
Ant Music, Adam Ant

Luckily, the bite mark Velvet notices one Sunday afternoon while relaxing in the garden of the Mucky Duck, is actually a small number of ant bites and everyone is very relieved.

10. The song which plays during: The Closing Credits
Wonderful Life, Black

Because it is.

The End.

Except, because this is a zombie film (and not even a Zom Rom-Com or even a [livejournal.com profile] zomromcomlomcom) there will be a bonus scene for those who stick to the end of the credits, where Velvet actually finds out it's not actually a small number of ant bites, but a small number of Zombie Ant bites, at which she begins to turn... (Link NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH)5

*cue evil laugh - Mhahahahahahahhahahah!!!*

1 It's probably Streatham because, bloody hell, random is the kindest thing you can call Streatham.
2 It's a film, of course it's unrealistic.
3 Chatham, as the old joke goes, being the bit where the bins are kept.
4 Okay, possibly a stupid phrase there...
5 Seriously: DO NOT click the link if you are of a nervous disposition, do not want to believe in zombie ants or are just plain horrified.

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