Erk. Jesus/Christ ficlet...
May. 1st, 2007 01:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
m31andyUm, spawned from a comment by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jantalaimon, from a pointer to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
bible_slash by vodex and written as an apology to Ian (WOLJ), I present:
The Gospel According tocuvalwen
Chapter One
1. And Jesus was alone in those days, his disciples having gone to a rave in Goa. James and John had promised to be back in fourteen days.
2. But Christ had not gone because he aint gonna go to Goa.
3. Moreover, in that time, he don't dance 2 Tekno anymore. Neither to hip-hop, nor to Electro.
4. And it had been a long time since he had been seen in the spotlight on the dance-floor.
Chapter Two
1. And, Lo! Ten days had passed and he knew not what to do with himself.
2. He had turned water into wine and behold he got emotional.
3. As a newt.
4. But when he woke up next morning he found all the good had gone and he dared not do this anymore.
5. And thus was the reason for Christ's temperance.
6. And then he partook of mushrooms, which he had scored from his good friend John.
7. And then he did behold a big fucking lizard.
8. Which did seem very plausible. And Lo! His faith was sore tested. And he dared not do this any more.
9. And thus was the reason for Christ's temperance.
Chapter 3
1. And then, Lo! He decided to try a spot of self-knowledge. But fearing to see the sacrament lie scattered on the pavement, he did bi-locate himself.
2. And so he divided for the chance of Union.
3. And he saw he was fit.
4. And he did go in unto himself and he knew himself.
5. And Lo! The band did begin to play.
6. And it was as if the arms of angels did carry him.
7. For firstly he was blown away and then there was peace in the valley.
8. And everything was gonna be all right.
9. (I hope...)
(With thanks and apologies to Alabama 3)
And yes, I know we're so going to hell. We heard the gates shut.
I had to write some of this out longhand as the computer was temporarily in use by the other flatmate. You know when you have been online too much when you put html tags in your longhand writing. And you know you've *definitely* been online too long when you insist on closing the tag in order that the rest of the writing doesn't end up in italics...
jantalaimon, from a pointer to bible_slash by vodex and written as an apology to Ian (WOLJ), I present:The Gospel According to
cuvalwenChapter One
1. And Jesus was alone in those days, his disciples having gone to a rave in Goa. James and John had promised to be back in fourteen days.
2. But Christ had not gone because he aint gonna go to Goa.
3. Moreover, in that time, he don't dance 2 Tekno anymore. Neither to hip-hop, nor to Electro.
4. And it had been a long time since he had been seen in the spotlight on the dance-floor.
Chapter Two
1. And, Lo! Ten days had passed and he knew not what to do with himself.
2. He had turned water into wine and behold he got emotional.
3. As a newt.
4. But when he woke up next morning he found all the good had gone and he dared not do this anymore.
5. And thus was the reason for Christ's temperance.
6. And then he partook of mushrooms, which he had scored from his good friend John.
7. And then he did behold a big fucking lizard.
8. Which did seem very plausible. And Lo! His faith was sore tested. And he dared not do this any more.
9. And thus was the reason for Christ's temperance.
Chapter 3
1. And then, Lo! He decided to try a spot of self-knowledge. But fearing to see the sacrament lie scattered on the pavement, he did bi-locate himself.
2. And so he divided for the chance of Union.
3. And he saw he was fit.
4. And he did go in unto himself and he knew himself.
5. And Lo! The band did begin to play.
6. And it was as if the arms of angels did carry him.
7. For firstly he was blown away and then there was peace in the valley.
8. And everything was gonna be all right.
9. (I hope...)
(With thanks and apologies to Alabama 3)
And yes, I know we're so going to hell. We heard the gates shut.
I had to write some of this out longhand as the computer was temporarily in use by the other flatmate. You know when you have been online too much when you put html tags in your longhand writing. And you know you've *definitely* been online too long when you insist on closing the tag in order that the rest of the writing doesn't end up in italics...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-01 12:43 pm (UTC)You know, it's for reasons like this that I fully advocate everyone on the planet being allocated two bodies. Just think of the possibilities.
Of course, it would make twin fetishes kind of redundant, but oh well.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-01 11:58 pm (UTC)I shudder to think of going further though...
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-02 12:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-02 09:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-01 01:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-01 11:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-01 01:51 pm (UTC)I also guarantee you this is the best thing I'll read all day. XD
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-02 12:00 am (UTC)(That and the staying up all night in a cold and draughty field!!!)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-02 01:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-01 03:59 pm (UTC)How I understand you!
(it's really quite sad, innit?)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-02 12:01 am (UTC)I would blame 26 hours without sleep, but I fear it is just the internet that has stolen my soul!!!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-02 06:41 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-02 06:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-02 09:44 am (UTC)(Um, Sam/Christ anyone???)
Just Missed [outtake from S2.03]
Date: 2007-05-02 04:44 pm (UTC)Still, seemed awfully strange, the amount of sheer ritual involved. Comforting, after some strange fashion...he wasn't, after all, locking himself and his thoughts alone in a small box, like he usually would do when going back to his flat of an evening. Instead, he was locked in an even smaller box with a stranger. Sounds like a vice squad matter, some part of him snorted internally. Shut it, another part reprimanded the first. Which was what Sam was hoping to quell by this little visit. He'd had enough of his internal dialogue, and it had gotten so bad the scotch wasn't even doing the slightest bit to slow it down anymore.
"Yes, my son? I'm here."
Sam was startled from his reverie. What was it one was meant to say here? Oh yes. Sam coughed. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned..."
Sam stopped, listening to the sound of the other man's breathing. It was calm, measured, reassuring. In, out, in, out...no, wait, he shouldn't really think of that. Not here.
"Yes, my son? I'm still here."
"Oh. I, erm, that is...well...I know how this is going to sound. I know you're going to think I'm mad. Something I should be used to by now, you'd think. You see, I haven't ever really done this before..."
"What do you mean by "this"?"
"Confession. I'm not really...I'm not really one to speak too much about how I'm feeling, with anyone. But you're not going to tell anyone, are you? You can't. Doctor/patient confidentiality, something like that, right?"
"Something like, I suppose..." The priest sounded rather dubious.
"Well, anyway, I've got this Saint Christopher's medal my mum gave me when I was small. I've worn it ever since she gave it to me. I treasure it, even though I'm not entirely sure I believe in its power, you know?"
"Of course, it's natural to hold something as precious given to you by your mother. As long as you haven't come to idolise it, you should be fine. It hasn't gone that far, has it?"
"No, no, this is nothing like that. Well, mostly not. You see...well...sometimes, when I get nervous, I like to rub it between my fingers. It's comforting to me. Some people bite their fingernails, for instance; I rub St. Christopher. You can see, here, it's just a bit worn and smooth round the edges..." Sam held his medal up to the mesh covering the window on his side of the confessional box.
Dark eyes got closer to the mesh from the other side, but that was all Sam could make out of the other man due to the combined darkness and the mesh covering the window. "I see that you have a very well-loved medal. Go on..."
"Well, one day I rubbed so hard I swear I was seeing things. I must have been, you know?"
Nothing came from the other side of the screen except a slight hitching in the priest's breathing.
Sam went on. "Saint Christopher came to me. It was like a vision. Except he was real; I could feel him."
"What did he say to you, my son?" the priest sounded half-interested, half-alarmed.
"He said if I came unto Him, I could be forgiven. I presumed he meant Jesus. It sounded like there was a capital 'h' on the 'Him.' Just the way he spoke, really."
"Well, he was right, you know. Is that why you're here today?" The priest sounded relieved. He had been worried this story was about to take a turn for the rather sordid and salacious.
"No. I'm here because Saint Christopher stuck around for a good while after that, drank me out of all my scotch, but at least had the decency to do me a very nice fry-up next morning." Sam sounded happy. "You don't think the fact I was already quite drunk by the time he came round means it wasn't a true vision, do you? It's getting so I can barely tell anymore. That little girl coming out of the telly, radios of all sorts talking to me..."
The priest did a double take, pressing one eye as close to the mesh as he could without actually touching it with his eyeball. Yes...damn! It was him!
BTW...
Date: 2007-05-02 04:46 pm (UTC)(had another idea I left out, too, but ah well. incidental uses of his medal and all that. >3)
Re: BTW...
Date: 2007-05-02 09:32 pm (UTC)Oh, that is wonderful!!!
And yes, you are going to Hell.
Just so you know.
;)
Re: BTW...
Date: 2007-05-02 11:56 pm (UTC)Re: BTW...
Date: 2007-05-03 12:00 am (UTC)Oh yeah.
:P
Because I can resist everything except temptation...
Date: 2008-01-09 10:59 pm (UTC)As a matter of general interest *cough* have you ever seen this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgxEk2qyiS4
Will look up Alabama 3 when done. *grits teeth returns to whipping*
Re: Because I can resist everything except temptation...
Date: 2008-01-10 03:34 am (UTC)