Warning for Home Owners
Sep. 1st, 2009 11:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
m31andyA sensational document has fallen into my hands. It is a notice from the Department for Communities and Local Government that will strike terror into the heart of anyone who lives in a house with a name like The Gables.
Following the revelation that the Government is compiling a database of properties with pleasant views or off-street parking, to help in its revaluation for council tax, I can reveal that officials are looking closely at house names.
Here is an extract from the department's memo to local authorities: "Any house (or boarding house) named Seaview, whether or not it is several miles inland, shall be upgraded by a minimum of one band.
"In these cases, where the sea (which is supposedly viewed) is not actually specified, it shall be assumed to be the Mediterranean and therefore the house shall be subject to the statutory palm tree, golden beach and lovely sunset surcharge. This is justified on the grounds that any sea that is not actually visible must exist in the mind's eye.
"It must be borne in mind that any building named The Old Post Office now automatically becomes a Rare Site of Special Historic Interest and should be in the very highest band. It is estimated that several thousand more of these buildings, mostly in rural areas, will be coming online soon, thus creating a substantial amelioration in the revenue scenario. (See also: The Old School House.)
"Wheresoever the word 'Lodge' appears in the property title, that property will be covered by the 'uppity bastards' clauses of the Minister's confidential briefing of Nov 2007. This means they come under the provisions of the Gravel Drive and Laurel Hedge Premium set out in that briefing. This applies, even if gravel and laurel do not appear to be present.
The Minister will be announcing a crackdown on houses whose names contain the word 'dale' - as in Oakdale. This may involve authorising a higher-than-average charge for fortnightly rubbish collections.
"Obviously, it is the statutory duty of a local authority to charge a realistic fee for the householder's privilege in viewing heather in cases where the house name contains the word 'glen'.
"It should be remembered that householders using this word also need to purchase a licence for pretending to be Scottish and will be required to compensate the council's ethnic diversity department for the cost of research into the appropriate clan and tartan that it is now compulsory to display on title deeds.
"When a property is called Greenacres, the upgrading to the 'pleasing view band' clearly applies, but local authorities may wish to avail themselves of the opportunity to impose backdated fines for presumed breaches of hosepipe bans. The name of the property is a clear admission that sprinkling has occurred over a wide area.
"The Department for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has asked us to point out that a certain restraint should be shown when imposing the Delightful Aromas Supplement on properties named Honeysuckle Cottage, as a charge set higher than £1,000 per annum could lead to the mass grubbing out of honeysuckle with environmental consequences.
"We have received several inquiries about the revenue potential of numbered houses. The Minister is minded to rule that 'lucky' numbers, such as seven, should carry a surcharge and would have no objection to placing a premium on nice round numbers. A 1.3% discount may be available for thirteens.
There is no limit to the surcharges local authorities may impose on Shangri-la or Xanadu - although it should first be confirmed that they are not caravans."
Following the revelation that the Government is compiling a database of properties with pleasant views or off-street parking, to help in its revaluation for council tax, I can reveal that officials are looking closely at house names.
Here is an extract from the department's memo to local authorities: "Any house (or boarding house) named Seaview, whether or not it is several miles inland, shall be upgraded by a minimum of one band.
"In these cases, where the sea (which is supposedly viewed) is not actually specified, it shall be assumed to be the Mediterranean and therefore the house shall be subject to the statutory palm tree, golden beach and lovely sunset surcharge. This is justified on the grounds that any sea that is not actually visible must exist in the mind's eye.
"It must be borne in mind that any building named The Old Post Office now automatically becomes a Rare Site of Special Historic Interest and should be in the very highest band. It is estimated that several thousand more of these buildings, mostly in rural areas, will be coming online soon, thus creating a substantial amelioration in the revenue scenario. (See also: The Old School House.)
"Wheresoever the word 'Lodge' appears in the property title, that property will be covered by the 'uppity bastards' clauses of the Minister's confidential briefing of Nov 2007. This means they come under the provisions of the Gravel Drive and Laurel Hedge Premium set out in that briefing. This applies, even if gravel and laurel do not appear to be present.
The Minister will be announcing a crackdown on houses whose names contain the word 'dale' - as in Oakdale. This may involve authorising a higher-than-average charge for fortnightly rubbish collections.
"Obviously, it is the statutory duty of a local authority to charge a realistic fee for the householder's privilege in viewing heather in cases where the house name contains the word 'glen'.
"It should be remembered that householders using this word also need to purchase a licence for pretending to be Scottish and will be required to compensate the council's ethnic diversity department for the cost of research into the appropriate clan and tartan that it is now compulsory to display on title deeds.
"When a property is called Greenacres, the upgrading to the 'pleasing view band' clearly applies, but local authorities may wish to avail themselves of the opportunity to impose backdated fines for presumed breaches of hosepipe bans. The name of the property is a clear admission that sprinkling has occurred over a wide area.
"The Department for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has asked us to point out that a certain restraint should be shown when imposing the Delightful Aromas Supplement on properties named Honeysuckle Cottage, as a charge set higher than £1,000 per annum could lead to the mass grubbing out of honeysuckle with environmental consequences.
"We have received several inquiries about the revenue potential of numbered houses. The Minister is minded to rule that 'lucky' numbers, such as seven, should carry a surcharge and would have no objection to placing a premium on nice round numbers. A 1.3% discount may be available for thirteens.
There is no limit to the surcharges local authorities may impose on Shangri-la or Xanadu - although it should first be confirmed that they are not caravans."
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-01 11:18 am (UTC)"Wheresoever the word 'Lodge' appears in the property title, that property will be covered by the 'uppity bastards' clauses of the Minister's confidential briefing of Nov 2007 and that last line is just gold. Thanks for that laugh.
I've lived here too long. When I read "Greenacres" I think Green Acres which is REALLY unfortunate and not at all what this "document" suggests:
Erm... don't watch too much of that, you'll kill brain cells. Yep, they have re-runs of old shows here too and y'know, you have to become familiar with a country's pop culture. *g*
(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-01 01:00 pm (UTC)Was that really necessary, Drayce? I mean, really?
What's worse, now I'll have that theme song in my head all day.
Also, the hick portion of my upbringing reasserted itself last night when my SO decided it was a great idea to try to watch the fine 1978 film "Convoy." I informed him that he didn't understand how often I had to hear that bloody theme song when I was little. He assured me that I was correct, and he didn't.
Oh dear. XD
And then there was the time a few weeks ago when I was looking for something in our fridge to eat, and realized we had a bunch of leftovers. I decided mixing leftover rice with sausage gravy wasn't such a bad idea, and then realized that could be taken as a really cruel metaphor for my existence. XD
(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-01 01:14 pm (UTC)Decides not to say "you are what you eat." *g*Ah, the poetic symbolism of food.(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-01 01:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-01 01:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-01 03:56 pm (UTC)