Now this is one AU I wouldn't want to live in...

[m31andy]

You could all tell this was coming, didn't you?

*sigh*

Well, y'all remember the free Fictionwise Harlequin romances, yes? And C did state that Bella is a cipher for the reader, as in the way of every hack romance ever written, yes?

Well, it was inevitable, then. (That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.)

BTW, as I've just discovered, AU/AH in the Twilight fandom means "Alternate Universe" (as usual) and "All Human" (a little different to common fiction practice).

1 Once A Cowboy by Linda Warren

Edward Cullen is a former rodeo star, now a rancher--a cowboy, through and through. But when he finds out some shocking news about the circumstances of his birth, he begins to question his identity. Luckily, private investigator Bella Swan is there to help him find the truth about who he is. Along the way, he discovers that even a man who thought he'd be alone for the rest of his life can fall in love. For Edward, love was something you did once--and for always. But is Bella the type of woman who can take on a stubborn man like him? Because there's one thing about him that will never change, no matter what they find out about his past--once a cowboy, always a cowboy. AU/AH, B&E.

2 Price of Passion by Susan Napier

Bella had learned certain lessons as Edward Cullen's lover: Lesson number one: the price of loving Edward was not to love him. Lesson number two: never give him what he expected. Discovering she was pregnant certainly fulfilled lesson number two. Edward had made it clear commitment and children were not on his menu. Now Bella must break her news. But when she sees Edward, passion kicks in, begging to be indulged again...just once! Canon, B&E.

Personally, this is now my favourite summary of Breaking Dawn. And I'm so glad that children aren't on Eddie's menu. Aren't you?

3 The Bride's Baby by Liz Fielding

Events manager Bella is organizing a glittering fund-raising event: a wedding show in a stately home. She has even been roped into pretending to be a bride...a bride who's five months pregnant! The bride everyone is talking about! It should be every girl's dream to design a wedding with no expense spared, but it's not Bella's. Longbourne Court was her ancestral home, and she's just discovered that the new owner is Edward--her baby's secret father. Now Edward's standing in front of her, looking at her bump.... AU/AH, B&E.

4 Dancing In the Moonlight by RaeAnne Thayne

Lieutenant Bella Swan had come home and though all she wanted was to be alone, infuriatingly handsome Dr. Edward Cullen--of the enemy Cullens--wouldn't cooperate. And she needed him to, because the walls around her heart were dangerously close to crumbling every time he came near. Edward had spent most of his life trying to get closer to Bella, with little to show for it. But she was the woman he'd always wanted, and no injury in the world could change that. Now if only he could convince her that the woman who stood before him was beautiful, desirable, whole and meant to be his. Future!Fic, B&E

More of Bella's notorious clumsiness, obviously. Edward should've vamped her before she toddled off to Afghanistan…

5 Baby Bonanza by Maureen Child

Twins? The startling revelation that his affair with Bella Swan had produced two little boys was almost impossible to grasp. Tycoon Edward had never considered himself the settling-down type, yet now that fatherhood had been thrust upon him, he was determined to give his sons his name. But their mother wasn't about to let him back into her life ... at least not without those three little words Edward had never, ever said. AU/AH, B&E.

6 Hide In Plain Sight by Marta Perry

"Please God, if you're listening, keep Jacob safe." She couldn't turn her back on her family in their time of need. So when her brother was injured, financial expert Bella Swan traded the big city for Amish country to help turn her grandmother's house into an inn. But life with the Plain People took a treacherous turn when a string of accidents and pranks threatened her family. Someone didn't want the secrets the old house harbored to come to light. Trusting anyone--even the handsome carpenter who seemed so genuine--was a battle for Bella, but her life depended on her ability to find the truth. AU/AH, B&E.

If the Twihards haven't noticed, btw – Edward is the handsome carpenter.

7 A Very Special Delivery by Linda Goodnight

It was the surprise of a lifetime for recluse Bella Swan when single dad Edward Cullen entrusted her with his infant daughter while he delivered medicine to an elderly man during an ice storm. Past experience had taught Bella how fragile life could be, but she was touched by this stranger's faith in her abilities. Once the storm had passed, though, and her guests returned home, normalcy eluded Bella. The Cullens' presence had brought much-needed joy to her quiet world, but their absence threatened to crush her forever. Still, was she ready to admit that this tiny family held the key to the future she'd always secretly craved? AU, B&E.

AHAHAH! *and breathe*. This was one of the more … Christian Insprational Steeple Hills. And I'd pay money to see this one vamped up!

8 Homespun Bride by Jillian Hart

Montana Territory in 1883 was a dangerous place--especially for a blind woman struggling to make her way through an early winter snowstorm. Undaunted, Bella Swan fought to remain independent. But then a runaway horse nearly plunged her into a rushing, ice-choked river, before a stranger's strong, sure hand saved her from certain death. And yet this was no stranger. Though she could not know it, her rescuer was rancher Edward Cullen, the man who had once loved her more than life itself. Losing her had shaken all his most deeply held beliefs. Now he wondered if the return of this strong woman was a sign that somehow he could find his way home. AU/AH, B&E.

9 Crime Scene at Cardwell Ranch by B.J. Daniels

After Edward Cullen betrayed her, Bella Swan hoped never to lay eyes on the seductive cowboy vampire again. Until a bunch of old bones showed up on her family ranch. Suddenly her former lover was back in her life in a big way--to investigate a decades-old crime. Five years ago, Ed left town with a heart load of regrets. But now, as acting interim marshal, he had a job to do. And this time he wasn't walking away. Because now Bella's life was on the line--as the unsuspecting target of a killer who still walked the canyon. Ed would do whatever it took to keep Bella close. Even if it meant risking his own heart for a second chance for both of them.... AU, B&E.

10 Snowbound by Janice Kay Johnson

When a blizzard strands Bella Swan and her students in Oregon's Cascade Mountains, their only hope of survival is to seek shelter at Thunder Mountain Lodge. Their host is Edward Cullen, a handsome, enigmatic war veteran haunted by secrets and scars that may never heal. Edward Cullen never imagined he'd be playing host to this captivating teacher and her eight teenage charges. But when his solitude is shattered by their arrival, his world shifts on its axis. He needs Bella--but does she need him? There's only one way to find out. The ex-soldier must find the courage to reach out to the remarkable woman who has transformed his life... AU/AH, B&E.

11 Irresistible Forces by Brenda Jackson

An offer he couldn't refuse... One week of mind-blowing sex on a beautiful Caribbean island. Of all the business proposals financial tycoon Edward Cullen has heard, Bella Swan's is definitely the most tempting. All Bella wants in return is for Edward to father her baby. No strings, no commitments; just a mutually satisfying arrangement. Make that very satisfying. For a man with no intention of marrying again, it sounds ideal. Bella wants a baby, not a relationship. And sexy, intelligent Edward seems like a man with perfect genes. Turns out, Edward has perfect everything. Their ""procreation vacation"" is a whirlwind of sensual ecstasy. But when it's over, will either of them be able to say goodbye? B&E.

Again, reads like a summary of the middle bit of Breaking Dawn, as told from Edward's POV. This book was famed for its over-use of the phrase "burning up the sheets", I'm quite sure that would be an even more hysterical line in the Alternate Universe where it was actually a Twilight fan-fic…

12 Kiss Me Deadly by Michele Hauf

Death cocktail is what the vampires call a witch's blood. It's poisonous--a drop will destroy a vampire within minutes. Edward Cullen is the rare vampire who has survived his first taste. Now he's on the hunt for the witch who almost brought him to his demise—Bella Swan. A witch who spends her nights hunting vampire tribes, Bella has three obligations to fulfill to set her soul free. One of those obligations--crafting a love spell--twists her world upside down when Edward draws the spell from her veins. Natural enemies rarely make the best bedfellows--but is it possible their intentions are really, truly the same? Can Edward's tribal loyalty survive if he surrenders to desires far darker than his own? B&E.

Ahahahah! Again!!! This book wouldn't need much tweaking to fit in with the whole Twilight canon.

13 Stranded With a Spy by Merline Lovelace

When Bella Swan, suddenly infamous in the States, decided to take that vacation to France, her problems were just beginning: a lost passport. A car swept out to sea. Missing travelers' checks. And a mysterious, if intriguing, man who always seemed to turn up just when she was in trouble... Edward Cullen--code name: Emo--was told to keep the beautiful blonde brunette in his sights. But as his interest in her veered from the professional to the intensely personal, Cullen knew the cost of falling in love would be high indeed. And he would have to pay the price.... AU/AH, B&E.

14 Slow Hands by Leslie Kelly

This is Bella Swan's lucky day. The civilized society girl just bid on sexy rogue Jacob Black at a charity bachelor auction--and won! But Bella knows Jake's dirty little secret. And it should keep her from trying out her new boy toy. Too bad she can't stop herself from indulging in raw, quite uncivilized sex all the same.... Jake Black is utterly bewitched by Bella--and utterly bewildered. How can this tantalizing woman melt so rapturously under his ministrations one moment, then turn into a haughty queen the next? He's determined to get to the bottom of Bella's agenda. One slow, delicious inch at a time...AU/AH, BJ.

Well, we have to have some BlackSwan love somewhere, don't we?! And, as the hero in this summary was already called Jake, it just meant a little less changing.

15 His Lady Mistress by Elizabeth Rolls

DOWNTRODDEN SERVANT OR GRACIOUS LADY? When Edward, Earl Cullen, meets Bella he sees a downtrodden servant. He doesn't recognize her as the daughter of a colonel under whom he used to serve, the girl he'd once helped years before. The life Bella's now living is untenable. So he proposes a shocking solution--he will set her up as his mistress. It's only once that Bella's finally agreed, once Edward is beginning to lose his heart to her, that he discovers her true identity. Edward is taken aback; he would never have suggested this lady become his mistress. Now, to avoid scandal, they'll have to marry!

Disclaimer: Links are to the original books, I do not claim to have authored any of the books summarised. These are not Twilight fan-fics but professionally published romance fiction. Summaries used purely for parody. No copyright infringement is intended, and no money is being made...